February 29th, 2012

Today is the last day of this wretched month.  I still have yet to meet someone to prove to me that Valentine's day is a day to celebrate and that February is a fantastic month.  It's hard for me to go around and pretend like everything's ok.  Everyday, I feel like I'm getting stronger, but it just sucks that I lost my best friend and it's like he doesn't even care.  I have to convince myself that if he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, then I shouldn't be upset about him not being a part of mine.  We've been through so much though and just to see that it all now means nothing.  Almost feels like I made a bad investment and the stocks went down on the stock exchange and I lost a whole bunch of money I can't get back.

I see all these people in love and I want that.  I refuse to settle for any of these assholes any more.I want someone who thinks I am worth it all for  Some one who will fight for me!  It may not be today, may be tomorrow, but I will find it one day.  I think I saw a post where someone said I would rather be alone forever and look for something fulfilling than to settle for something less and be miserable day in and day out and not give myself the chance.

And I swear it feels like everything happens all at once.  I just feel like yelling at God and saying, "Alright!  HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!  I had a guy who broke my heart and left me for dead and tried to come around again and finish the job, I have lost my best friend because he can't grow up, I'm in debt that it feels like I'll never get out of, I feel like I'm running a marathon with just me and my little one, the dryer has gone out, gas is going up, what more do you want!?!?!?!  Keep it coming because no matter what I will keep trying to get up!  If I can't get up by myself, at least I know I have one hell of a support system that feeds me encouragement and strength and they would either lend me a helping hand to push me to keep going.  So keep kicking me and try to keep my down but I'm not going down without a fight, or I'll die trying"

I almost feel like there's a vendetta against me and I did something wrong in my past life to deserve everything I am going through now.  Well whatever it is, I will make it through.  I know I will have bad days and good days, all I have to do is accept that this is for the best.  Fuck people who don't want to be a part of my life.  I don't need them.  Poison is what they are like!  March is a new month and hopefully a good one... We shall see

Hardest Decision Thus Far

So the story of Keira began 7 years ago when I met best friend.  We had our ups and downs throughout our friendship, but no matter what I had his back and he had mine.  One day, we started casually dating and surprise, ended up pregnant.  I told him I didn't want a relationship just because I was pregnant but he decided that was what he wanted.  Throughout the relationship, it started to crumble.  We would fight, scream, he wanted to go back to how things were with him and his friends.  He stayed out till 2-4 in the morning with his friends thinking it was ok and when I had something to say about it, I was in the wrong.  I was always in the wrong.  Well eventually, I asked the magic question again of "What do you expect for this", this time I got an answer of "All I want is her".  That led to the end.  That night we were finished.  Obviously this story could be longer.  But now, today, I had to make a terrible decision.  Not terrible really, just hard.   You see, I have this habit of trying to keep people in my life that I do not benefit from and it just depresses me.  It makes me feel worse about myself day in and day out.  When I was having a talk with my best friend today, he said we could be friends but not like we used to. We couldn't hang out like before, we can't text, and if we do it's only because of our daughter, and that's how it had to be because we are starting 2 separate lives with her being the only thing keeping us together.  That had to be the most hurtful thing he ever said to me.  Most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.  I thought I meant more to him.  I should've known better.  So I initially said yes, whatever you want.  Thinking about it on the way home I had to change my mind and said it wasn't fair to me.  Once again I was keeping with my pattern of keeping someone in my life that really should'nt be there.  If there was no effort on his end, why is there always some on mind.  So, I emailed him explaining what I am writing now.  Explaining that it pained me to admit it out loud and to cut off ties and end it.  But in reality I was just agreeing to what he was already doing.  I wished him luck in life and hope he finds what hes looking for.  Told him that I hope one day that he changes his mind and wants a friendship with me again, a real one, and hopefully I will be there for him like he was for me before.  Until then, we coparent.  And that's where we are now.  Now, when I tell that same story above,  I will always have to start by sayng "My old best friend..."

February 27th, 2012

So, I was told today that we can be friends, but we cannot hang out like we used to, can't text each other, we can only do so because of the baby.  I had to tell him that this conversation hurt more than the actual break up itself.  I have come to the conclusion that we are just going to coparent.  I am not dealing with this crap anymore.   If I am not good enough to be part of your life, then you are a deuchebag for not realizing that I am a great person and if you want to cut me out and they only thing linking us together in anyway shape or form is our daughter, then so be it.  Once again fed up

February 25th, 2012

So, I am 2 days into my break up with my daughters father.  I still don't know how to feel about it.  My head is telling me I should be celebrating like he is and just count my blessings that I didn't end up marrying someone who didn't love me.  But on the other end, on my hearts end, I can't help but to be hurt.  I feel betrayed by my friend.  I was fed a bull shit excuse that he can't get over something that happened 3 years ago.  When in the beginning of all of this he kept telling me I have to let him in and let go of my past.  If that is true, then everything he ever communicated to me at the beginning of this was all a lie.  I feel there is no more trust.  I had a better relationship with him prior to sleeping with him. But I guess that's how it always goes when you are friends with guys.  I supported him, did everything for him, was there for him, tried to be the best girlfriend I could be.  Of course, that's never good enough.  I have my good days, and my bad days.  I think what's upsetting the most is when I look at our daughter and I feel I cannot provide her the normal family that I know she deserves.  She deserves more than just a single mom.  At least, I know with not being with her father, she will never grow up thinking it's ok to settle and be with someone who belittles you, makes fun of you all the time, can never say anything nice about you, etc.  It just sucks.  I wish there was a more elegant way of putting it.  But there's not.  I have this thing where I want to try to fix everyone I come in contact with and I give a little bit of me with each one as a lovly parting gift, but what do I get back?  I guess experience with pricks... I'm just pissed that this time it was one of my friends.  You think you know someone after so long, and yeah, you know that over time people change; but, I just always thought he would be that friend that stood by my side no matter what.  I stood by him through everything.  And here I am now, standing alone.  Well, with my daughter.  She's the best thing I got out of this.  I count my blessings everyday that I have the priviledge of being her mother. 

I jsut have to take everything a day at a time and just remind myself I am better off.  I deserve better and I need to want better for me in order for her to want that for herself in the future.

Here's the Scoop

Basically, in a nut shell, I'm a 27 year old, single mother of an adorable little girl that is my world.  I've been told that I am too emotional, I complain too much, too wordy, too verbal, so I decided to convey my thoughts and feelings on here so I can get everything out.  At least this way, if you don't like what I have to say, leave my blog, and never come back.  This is like my therapy session so go f off!