February 25th, 2012

So, I am 2 days into my break up with my daughters father.  I still don't know how to feel about it.  My head is telling me I should be celebrating like he is and just count my blessings that I didn't end up marrying someone who didn't love me.  But on the other end, on my hearts end, I can't help but to be hurt.  I feel betrayed by my friend.  I was fed a bull shit excuse that he can't get over something that happened 3 years ago.  When in the beginning of all of this he kept telling me I have to let him in and let go of my past.  If that is true, then everything he ever communicated to me at the beginning of this was all a lie.  I feel there is no more trust.  I had a better relationship with him prior to sleeping with him. But I guess that's how it always goes when you are friends with guys.  I supported him, did everything for him, was there for him, tried to be the best girlfriend I could be.  Of course, that's never good enough.  I have my good days, and my bad days.  I think what's upsetting the most is when I look at our daughter and I feel I cannot provide her the normal family that I know she deserves.  She deserves more than just a single mom.  At least, I know with not being with her father, she will never grow up thinking it's ok to settle and be with someone who belittles you, makes fun of you all the time, can never say anything nice about you, etc.  It just sucks.  I wish there was a more elegant way of putting it.  But there's not.  I have this thing where I want to try to fix everyone I come in contact with and I give a little bit of me with each one as a lovly parting gift, but what do I get back?  I guess experience with pricks... I'm just pissed that this time it was one of my friends.  You think you know someone after so long, and yeah, you know that over time people change; but, I just always thought he would be that friend that stood by my side no matter what.  I stood by him through everything.  And here I am now, standing alone.  Well, with my daughter.  She's the best thing I got out of this.  I count my blessings everyday that I have the priviledge of being her mother. 

I jsut have to take everything a day at a time and just remind myself I am better off.  I deserve better and I need to want better for me in order for her to want that for herself in the future.