February 29th, 2012

Today is the last day of this wretched month.  I still have yet to meet someone to prove to me that Valentine's day is a day to celebrate and that February is a fantastic month.  It's hard for me to go around and pretend like everything's ok.  Everyday, I feel like I'm getting stronger, but it just sucks that I lost my best friend and it's like he doesn't even care.  I have to convince myself that if he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, then I shouldn't be upset about him not being a part of mine.  We've been through so much though and just to see that it all now means nothing.  Almost feels like I made a bad investment and the stocks went down on the stock exchange and I lost a whole bunch of money I can't get back.

I see all these people in love and I want that.  I refuse to settle for any of these assholes any more.I want someone who thinks I am worth it all for  Some one who will fight for me!  It may not be today, may be tomorrow, but I will find it one day.  I think I saw a post where someone said I would rather be alone forever and look for something fulfilling than to settle for something less and be miserable day in and day out and not give myself the chance.

And I swear it feels like everything happens all at once.  I just feel like yelling at God and saying, "Alright!  HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!  I had a guy who broke my heart and left me for dead and tried to come around again and finish the job, I have lost my best friend because he can't grow up, I'm in debt that it feels like I'll never get out of, I feel like I'm running a marathon with just me and my little one, the dryer has gone out, gas is going up, what more do you want!?!?!?!  Keep it coming because no matter what I will keep trying to get up!  If I can't get up by myself, at least I know I have one hell of a support system that feeds me encouragement and strength and they would either lend me a helping hand to push me to keep going.  So keep kicking me and try to keep my down but I'm not going down without a fight, or I'll die trying"

I almost feel like there's a vendetta against me and I did something wrong in my past life to deserve everything I am going through now.  Well whatever it is, I will make it through.  I know I will have bad days and good days, all I have to do is accept that this is for the best.  Fuck people who don't want to be a part of my life.  I don't need them.  Poison is what they are like!  March is a new month and hopefully a good one... We shall see